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Things I Shouldn’t Talk About…

….66 days out from my first Ironman.

1)  I don’t want to just keep moving forward. (GASP!) I want to crawl under the covers and forget why I chose this stupid dream to begin with.

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2) I want to eat hamburgers. Every day. For the next 66 days.  Hamburgers and these amazing mini-scones from Whole Foods. I finally stuck them in the freezer because they were so dangerous. Danger! DANGER! DANNNNNNGERRRRR!

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I’m sick of Greek yogurt and spinach. Especially when I eat that constantly… and the scale still hates me.  I hate the scale too. So there.

3) I had an MRI yesterday. I can think of a million things I would prefer to having dye injected into my groin and then sitting, motionless, in a tiny tube for 45 minutes.

And then they hand me the disc. So I proceed to read my own MRI… and it freaks me out. Because what in the hell is with this?  That big cracked-looking, broken-looking thing on the right? That looks problematic, right?

(Oh, what do I know.)

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And I still have no info from the radiologist or whoever.

What’s the diagnosis? Waiting and waiting.  Can I run?  Just be patient. Can I just suffer through it, safely?  What can I do? I need to run. It’s been 10 days since I’ve ran… and I have a freaking IRONMAN in….

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66 days 66 days… (I don’t have time for this!!!)

4)  I have no perspective right now. (Clearly.) I am fretting about new bangs and a race.  And the fact that I need an XL tri kit when my fellow TriBike team members—-well, there’s not a one who needs larger than a medium. Perspective. These dumb things!  When we have a friend who was just diagnosed with Stage 3 colon cancer.  And after the events in Boston on Monday.  After the millions of important things in the world, I’m stressing out over a race. And bangs. And my XL tri kit. And eating scones.

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She bangs. She bangs. (Oh SO important!)

Actually, I’m dealing with two races. Rev 3 Knoxville in 2 weeks. *Ha.

Two weeks.  And then the big one.

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5) Sometimes it helps to make these confessions.  And for those of you who have been “with” me for awhile now, you know that I do this every so often. I fly over the cuckoo’s nest, and then I find my way back.  Most of the time.

6) This message from SBM friend, Sally, really helped me.

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That message gave me such hope.  But I am admittedly not feeling the Ironman love right now.  I’m not feeling much of anything.  Kind of numb, really.  I don’t even want to ride another 100 miles this weekend… because the last 100 seems like it should count for something and be enough.  You did it once. You are good.

But that’s not Ironman.

You have to keep going and beating your bloody head against the wall until everything in your brain (and legs) explodes.

7) I need a clear MRI. Or I need some answers. Either way, I just need to know.

Then, I need the beast to return. Then I need to land back on planet earth and just keep moving forward. That is all.

* * *

Ironman Babble: The “What If” Finishing Logistics
Swim 2.4 miles (2:15 /100 meters)  in 1:35:00… (8:35 am)
Transition to bike in 10 minutes…. (8:45 am)
Ride 112 miles (14 mph) in 8:00:00… (4:45 pm… before the 5:30 bike cutoff)
Transition in 10 minutes… (4:55 pm)
Run/walk/crawl 26.2 miles (16:11 /mile) in 7:04:32… (11:59:34 pm)

Then I will be an Ironman.  I hope to be able to do it (much) faster. But this… I will keep in my pocket. Just in case.

32 Comments

  • Carolyn

    April 18, 2013 at 2:34 pm

    You can do this. You feel a bit crazy right now but every 100 mile bike ride counts and every time you do your job it’s one step closer to victory. Ironman is amazing, I finished my first one Ironman Florida. You WILL do this. Focus. Tell yourself how amazing you are, it’ll be here before you know it. Find a song, pick a mantra and stop thinking about your tri suit. 🙂

    Reply
  • Jessica

    April 18, 2013 at 2:54 pm

    I had bad hip pain after my first half ironman last year. The orthopedist suspected a labral tear due to boney impingements (WTF). I was freaking out b/c it could have meant surgery and who knows what else. I too had an MRI with dye. I am tough. I had twins. I am not claustrophobic. I was not at all afraid of this MRI. But when I got on the exam table, in a tiny paper gown, and the dye needle went into me and was more painful than I expected, and the X-ray camera was inches from my privates, I started sobbing and I couldn’t stop. Then I felt embarrassed for sobbing. The poor nurse had to hold my hand and comfort me. It sucked. So anyway, that’s all to tell you that I feel your pain. AND the good news for me, was that it wasn’t a labral tear after all that, and I just needed rest and physical therapy, and I could run in the meantime as long as I listened to my body. 9 months later my hip still bugs me sometimes but it never turned in to a big injury. I am hoping nothing but the same for you. You are awesome IN ANY SIZE TRI KIT!

    Jessica
    A swim, bike, mom from Oakland, CA

    Reply
  • Stacy

    April 18, 2013 at 3:11 pm

    You have no idea how much it helps to read this post. Sometimes you start to wonder if there is something wrong with you for wanting to hide from your goals (especially ones you work so hard to reach!). I somehow feel better knowing that I am not alone and that anyone can go through that phase. Oh and if you need Plan B as a security blanket that’s OK, but you are going to nail Ironman.

    Reply
  • Lynn

    April 18, 2013 at 3:11 pm

    You are in the home stretch – doubting everything is normal about now. Think of all you have accomplished! You are amazing! I pray for your clear MRI. I’m 51 and I have been killing myself the past several months and while my body has changed I still have an XL tri kit, so what? You will be fine and do great! Bangs are sassy too!

    Reply
  • Erinn

    April 18, 2013 at 3:20 pm

    You can do it! I did a summersault over my bike handlebars and landed on my back/hip approximately 6 weeks out from my first IM. Totally messed up my back but good. Did PT until race day. Felt great until I tried to get off the bike – then I felt like I couldn’t stand up straight. How would I run? To my surprise, running felt GREAT!

    Anyway, the point is this: take care of yourself, train as well as you can (to stay healthy), get PT, use whatever will help you feel better, and you CAN do it!

    By the way, I love your hairstyle. 🙂 Seriously hawt.

    Reply
  • Jen Hill

    April 18, 2013 at 3:53 pm

    You are right on track. Totally, completely where you should be right now – mentally and physically. This will pass, I promise. And your body will heal. And you will be an Ironman in 66 days. (Even if right now you don’t even want to hear the word Ironman.) MARK MY WORDS!!!

    Reply
  • Amy

    April 18, 2013 at 4:05 pm

    Before my first big scary event, when I was shaking with nerves and terrified, my husband sat me down with the movie 300. I thought that was total cornball. But I saw what he wanted me to see – that I had already earned my battle cry, and that the race was my personal party for me to celebrate I was, in fact, tough as shit. (Which i had never been prior – marshmallow peep-like instead) So baby doll, get yourself a hamburger and find the interim battle cry that goes to the core of who you’ve made yourself to be, xrays and xl suits be damned. Mine was this: I walk ahead of myself in perpetual expectancy of miracles. 🙂 it’s an anais nin quote, and now inked right on my feet. Some days I don’t have to believe it, but I know it ain’t going away either. 😉 Keep the faith.

    Reply
  • TriBabe Terry

    April 18, 2013 at 4:47 pm

    First off, love the bangs. As for the freaking out and trying to get back in beast mode, I have faith you will. I don’t wish you were struggling, but since I am, I’m glad to see that you are too. Of course, I’m not training for CDA, I wear a 2X tri kit, but that doesn’t make us different in the long run. You WILL find the beast, you WILL conquer the negative nellys in your brain and you will rock CDA!

    Reply
  • K Smith

    April 18, 2013 at 4:56 pm

    Thank you for this post. You are helping so many people with your honesty! If life was like a pinball machine, you’d probably be scoring MAJOR points right now!
    In my opinion, you’ve already conquored (bad spelling) Ironman.

    Reply
  • becki

    April 18, 2013 at 5:01 pm

    You will keep moving forward, because that is who you are and what you do. I love the bangs, btw. What ever you need to do to make it work you will do, this too shall pass! Then go and kick a**!

    Reply
  • Therese Slechta

    April 18, 2013 at 5:05 pm

    love the bangs! I’ve done IM wisconsin 2 times. finish times: 16:39 and the second one was 16:37… wahoo shaved 2 minutes. but both times i was taking off about 5pm for the run just like your plan… YOU will do this. I also know a guy who is 55 yrs old, had knee surgery and can’t run at all anymore, but still does ironmans– it doesnt stop him from signing up and competing. he also is the best swimmer or biker but makes all cut offs…… as for finishing in last hour.. i think there are more people at the finish line at that time! You continue to inspire me and others! keep it up!

    Reply
  • Duckie

    April 18, 2013 at 5:46 pm

    First, from the little bit that I’ve seen of your biking prowess, you are grossly underestimating your bike but even if you leave that alone… 20 mins for transitions? If you practice your transition routine, you can probably cut that in half unless there is some big run into transition. I would focus on finding the minutes that you can control, like transition. Build the biggest cushion of time that you can for the run. I don’t know about you but for me, at times like this, focusing on the parts I can change is what keeps me from devouring scones over the parts I can’t. Good luck and keep moving.. wait for it.. well, you know which way to go.

    Reply
  • Donna

    April 18, 2013 at 5:55 pm

    It’s all about the journey to GET to Ironman. The race is just proof you are still alive and kickin’!! You may limp through it but you can do it!!
    Love the bangs 🙂

    Reply
  • Natalie

    April 18, 2013 at 9:35 pm

    I had to laugh about the MRI. I had a similar instance this February where they gave me the disk. I’m a scientist….not a radiologist….but convinced myself there was a hole where bone eroded in my foot, a few weeks later my dr. Looked at it and said I was fine and cleared me for running again. Is it a crazy triathlete thing or does anyone given an MRI disk feel the need to look at the pictures and drive themselves mad?!

    Reply
    • Eliza Blackwell

      April 18, 2013 at 10:30 pm

      Meredith-“you are good enough, you are smart enough, and gosh darn’t people love you”! That’s a quote from one of my favorite Saturday nite skits. Training for an ironman is nothing short of asking a man to give birth willingly. Yet those still choose to swim, bike and run ( whatever the distance) and come back for more. What’s wrong with us?;) I love you honesty Meredith. In a sport where people get caught up in pr’s and age group awards you make it seem real and tangible. Good for you. Here’s to knowing you can even when you dont and inspiring those Didnt but now will!!

      Reply
  • Emily Girard

    April 18, 2013 at 10:48 pm

    I came across your blog about three days ago when I was in a huge gigantic I will never ever be able to accomplish my first sprint tri in September pity pool party… I just want to say that you have inspired me and I look forward to reading your blog each day for inspiration. You are strong and you have accomplished so much. Thank you and I hope your results come back negative and that you can go run your IM in 66 days

    Reply
  • Jacque in AZ

    April 18, 2013 at 10:59 pm

    I love the bangs and you. You are my inspiration to finish my next Olympic distance tri and yes, I’m a medium sized tri suit girl. You are amazing, healthy or broken. I have followed you from the beginning (yes, a stalker) and am convinced there is nothing you can’t do. Just keep moving forward…that’s what you tell us, right? Hugs :0)

    Reply
  • Ed C.

    April 18, 2013 at 11:49 pm

    Your fitness is already better than you believe! You will succeed. Me and my daughter did IMAZ last year and your thoughts are so similar to what we were thinking at this point in our training. Our first century pushed us past the question of “Can I?” to “I will, but just how well?” And the scale hated me too. Total weight loss only 7# but I felt good. You are doing it!!

    Reply
  • Kathi J

    April 19, 2013 at 10:37 am

    Many things to say, SBM.

    1. Love the bangs. Totally flattering and hip and super cute.
    2. If you didn’t have moments of doubt or moments of wanting to eat hamburgers and scones, you would not know how strong you are. They are human, these moments.
    3. I LOVE you — I love that you are not a 4% body fat triathlete. I’m doing a sprint tri tomorrow with an indoor swim and I’m so embarassed to be bulging out of the arm holes in my XL tri kit…but I’m going to beat a skinny girl, I just know it. 🙂 It takes all kinds, all shapes and all sizes to make this world go ’round.
    4. You are an inspiration. I love your honesty and your humor and your dedication. Give yourself a minue to wallow in the moment of scary pre-diagnosis and in the middle of some hard ass training, and just sit with it. Then beast mode will return and you’ll rock it again. I just KNOW it!
    GO GIRL!

    Reply

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