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Fatty Fatty Two by Four

After my post yesterday about love and being nice to oneself, I couldn’t believe the thoughts banging around my head as I walked down the hall at the office a few moments ago.

As I walked down the hall at the office a while ago, I felt a little bit of a butt pudding jiggle going on, so I said to myself, inside my brain, Fatty fatty two by four, can’t fit through the kitchen door.

It might have gone unnoticed in my ping-pong of my brain, except as I walked by the elevators, I saw my reflection and it happened again. Only this time, I said it out loud.

I kid you not.

Now.  I spend most of my day at a desk, poring over emails and tiny printed documents, so sometimes when I walk to the bathroom, I talk out loud—maybe just to clear the air, to breathe. I don’t talk loudly, but more of a mumbling, muttering, crotchety thing. It’s just a thing I do. I get it from my dad. I remember watching him sitting on the porch, and talking to himself most of my childhood. I thought, Crazy man!  Now, I inherited the crazy. I am my father’s daughter.

The Twin "Crazies" :)

The Twin “Crazies” 🙂

But it’s not the muttering that bothers me… it’s what I said.  First I thought it, then I said it. To myself? I called myself fatty fatty two by four. Good grief. This sh*t has to stop.

How?! How do I make the negative garbage stop?  Yes, I’m still seeing my hypnotherapist and that’s helping a ton (Two Ton Tussie!… okay, stop it.)  And when I fall off the nutrition wagon, I hop back on it much, much quicker… now, I’m only wander around, off  the wagon, a few days, instead of a few years.

There’s a part in my book where I write, “I don’t know when my body image innocence disappeared, but all I know is that when it did…it was gone for good.”

And the fact that I sing-songed myself a tad of taunting hate speech this morning took me back to maybe where it all came from.

photo

This miserable little kid in my elementary school used to make fun of me hardcore. He was a little shrimp, and he loved to call me fatty fatty two by four. And I hated him. But I was never one to take his crap, so I dished stuff out to him too… four eyes, four eyes (which was stupid, because I wore glasses too), and other stuff I can’t remember now.

The interesting thing is that I don’t think I ever knew I was a fatty fatty two by four until the kid called me that.  And I hate thinking about elementary and middle school for that very reason.  Things I was called;  things I called others.  Yes, kids are stupid and cruel.  I was hurt; I hurt others. Awful childhood crap.

Fatty fatty two by four.

reese

Does the correlation to my weight issues correspond to these memories of my childhood?  The eating in secret? The fatty fatty taunting? Does somehow walking to the bathroom in the middle of my miserable day trigger something in the forgotten place of the past?

Or does it go further down the line?  Like as a teenager, how every single guy I even remotely “liked” ended up with someone who was thin, enjoyed the fine arts and didn’t like monster trucks, UFC or beer? (Okay, so the monster trucks are a bit of a stretch. Sorta).  Or was that just my perception?  That I wasn’t good enough for those people… so therefore, I wasn’t good enough? Of course, now I see it differently, but is that part of the years of bad talk?

Boy, is this an epic ramble…

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Okay. Fine. You can delete me from your Google Reader now. I know this might be too much hogwash (oinky oinky little piggy) for anyone to take.

But seriously… why do I have these thoughts? After all these years… after two and a half years of tri-ing.  I mean, I wake up before the sun most days. I swim far. I bike far. I run far (but very, very slow… porkchop!) …and the best I can say to myself  this morning is fatty fatty two by four?

Maybe you have a nice person for an internal talker… but if you are struggling too, with negative talk about your weight, your life, your job, your worth… whatever it is… maybe we can figure this out together.

Here’s the best advice I’ve got right now in the plan to self-love:

1) Recognize the self-hate talk and tendencies. In other words, I am trying to pay attention to the thoughts I am having. Today, I noticed the fatty fatty. That’s a good step. For years, I believe I have just talked, without noticing the hate I was showering upon myself.

2) Vow to make the self-hate chatter stop.  I am vowing to stop saying awful things about myself to myself.  Now, putting that into practice is proving difficult. Obviously.

3) Work hard on nutrition, training and implementing good mantras.  As Coach Monster says, You must keep the good streaks going.  The better the “good” streaks, the less the mean thoughts will likely arise.

4) Surround myself with positive people.  I will no longer go to lunch with people who make me miserable. I will not email or Facebook with idiots who make me crazy. For the most part, I have a great, positive force field around me… but there’s always times when the Energy Vampires come out. I try to keep my garlic close.

And finally…

5) “Do your best and forget the rest.” (Credit to Beach Body/P90X guru, Tony Horton.)… this is a tie-in to my, Just Keep Moving Forward.   I will do my best in the present, and no matter what the result… keep on, keeping on, in a forwardly, Oprahly direction.

If not for me, then for my children. So at least maybe I’ll know what to say to them… if they start muttering negative things to themselves.

20 Comments

  • tara

    February 15, 2013 at 12:26 pm

    I’ve been there. last month after a bad swim day at a masters meet some of my swimmer friend went off to the snacks to eat from the tables of goodies the hosts offered after the event. And I said to myself.. “you swam poorly..you deserve NOTHING!!!”
    omg..where did this come from!!! I still didn’t eat anything but was shocked when this voice came up from inside of me…

    Reply
  • Carrie @Tempo Life Coaching

    February 15, 2013 at 12:37 pm

    Oh, the voices inside our heads are HUGE bullies!! I mean, they are terrible, mean, abusive voices that have taken up residence inside our brains. The best bit of advice I have is to tell them to shut the f*** up. Say it out loud just like you do the taunting words. And then, and this may be the hard part, replace it with something kind and compassionate towards yourself, toward your body image. The second you hear the abusive talk, stop it, don’t allow the sentence to finish. You’ll get through this!

    Reply
  • Allyson

    February 15, 2013 at 12:37 pm

    Please go read my last blog entry, Mirror, Mirror on the Wall. All I can say is that whether you are 200 lbs or 180 lbs, you are a beautiful person. We all struggle with self doubt, even after losing 80 lbs I still see the jiggly bits. I have 8 lbs to hit goal weight, it will not make me a better triathlete, that is already inside me, now I just have to believe it.

    Reply
  • Karen

    February 15, 2013 at 12:47 pm

    That childhood teasing sticks with you – no joke. I still remember some little 5 year old stepping on my toes in gymnastics and telling me my toes were fat. It was so hurtful I never went back. Obviously it stuck with me as I still remember that above anything else that happened when I was five. There was another incident where I was called porky pig at a birthday party. The girl was big on the pageant scene at the ripe old age of 7. Now that I have seen a few episodes of toddlers and tiaras I feel sorry for her. ha ha… Anyhow. You are right – let the negativity go and surround yourself with things that are positive. I have even had to hide some of my “friends” from back in the day on FB. I am not all that in touch with them to begin with AND sometimes just seeing their names dredges up things from the past that I try to let go. Do what you got to do to keep your head held high. As Einstein says just keep moving (forward). 🙂

    Reply
  • Betsy

    February 15, 2013 at 12:49 pm

    Don’t focus on your body weight/size, focus on your abilities! You swim, bike and run far and are going even farther. The weight will come off in a HEALTHY way in due time. Revel in your successes. What CAN you do vs. what you can’t do. I don’t know anything about psychology or deep rooted food issues but I know the mind is your strongest muscle. Exercise it by staying on a good path and keep doing what you are doing. Your accomplishments are incredible.

    Reply
  • Traci

    February 15, 2013 at 12:52 pm

    I purchased the first Metabolic Boost and Burn Nutrition Plans… I guess my biggest problem with why I have not really followed it is the amount of fish in the plan… we just do not have access to good fish where I live… everything is either farm raised or from China, Vietnam, Thailand…. and I love chicken..but I can’t eat it 2-3 meals a day 7 days a week… sooo, not following plan much (okay really at all) at this point = (.

    Reply
  • AMB

    February 15, 2013 at 1:29 pm

    You and I are the same wavelength today, though mine was fat little sausage! I wore my tri shorts to run today and they made a lovely roll between where they hit on my stomach and my sports bra. I felt awful and fat. Thanks for your words today.

    Reply
  • Amy

    February 15, 2013 at 1:37 pm

    The negative stuff creeps up all the time. I am a master at self-sabotage. No one else is stopping me from achieving my goals other than me. But when I am careless with what food I put in my body, the weight creeps up and then I start beating myself up again. I’m really trying to refocus my thinking- trying to treat my body like an instrument- something that I have to take care of so I can run better, bike and swim faster; have more energy with my kids; live healthy; do more. I am hopeful that will help me to stay on track the next time I have to put food in my mouth.

    Reply
  • Jeramie

    February 15, 2013 at 1:45 pm

    When I was in middle school some jerk kid wrote in my year book “I heard of a new diet you should try…. Suicide” I wasn’t even fat, but after that I started to hate myself as much as those hateful words. As I got older and hated myself more I did get fat. I have about 150 lbs on you, but I work at it every day. I also apologize to my daughter for getting stuck with me as her mom, I apologize to everyone I try to befriend (ahem, have ya noticed?) Recently in counseling (come on. Of course I’m in counseling.lol) we were talking about the night I took my daughter and left my marriage, and he said to me “Do you realize you are a hero?” Meredith DO YOU REALIZE YOU ARE A HERO? You’re mine.

    Reply
  • Tracie

    February 15, 2013 at 1:45 pm

    What a brave post! I struggle with the same type of negative self talk. I’m sure it’s pretty common actually. I agree with Carrie … you have to replace the garbage with good stuff. I have helpful phrases and scripture that encourages me posted where I can see it … post-it notes on my computer, refrigerator, bathroom mirror … anywhere that might be helpful. This helps me to keep my mind redirected when it goes places it doesn’t need to be.

    Reply
  • Angela @ Fit Fun Mom

    February 15, 2013 at 1:59 pm

    Whenever I start with the negative self-talk, I remind myself that I would NEVER talk to a friend that way, and I certainly should not talk to myself that way. Treat yourself as you would treat others.

    I agree with the comment that said it helps to have some positive words — like a mantra — to replace the negative talk.

    Reply
  • Karen

    February 15, 2013 at 2:21 pm

    I think most women beat themselves up verbally and it sucks. But you have to repeat the truth, ignore the lies the voices speak and KEEP MOVING FORWARD

    Reply
  • Rob Hill

    February 15, 2013 at 2:31 pm

    Just wanted to encourage you to also recognize throughout all of this, your worth is not in a finishing spot; or a time on a reader board; nor can it be defined by a number on a scale, or in an waistband. Your worth is found in the fact that God created you with His very own image in you. And that’s gotta be pretty darn good.

    Reply
  • Leah

    February 15, 2013 at 7:50 pm

    The thing that helps me the most is being reminded of who I am in Christ. He created me, he knows all the terrible thoughts I have, the terrible things I do and yet he still loves me and thinks I am precious. If the creator of the universe thinks that of little old me, then he must be on to something! Who am I to tell him what he created isn’t good? Taking those negative thoughts captive (2 Corinthians 10:5 – We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ) and surrendering them to Jesus keeps my mind focused on Him and on others.

    I used to beat myself up because of the way my body looked after a pregnancy that wasn’t nice to my appearance and then being overweight for a number of years didn’t help anything. Now, I make a big effort to focus on what is good and be grateful for what I do have because there are ALWAYS people that are worse off that I am. Seriously! Some people would die for the opportunity to give birth to a child! Some would die for good meals that enable them to gain so much weight. For me, it boiled down to perspective. My body does any and everything I need (and most) of what I want it to. I won’t allow satan to try and make me immoble or undermine who I am in Christ – don’t let satan to do that to you, either!

    Reply
  • Kristin

    February 15, 2013 at 8:42 pm

    You are freaking awesome and my hero and inspiration – knowing WE all struggle with the very same issues, thoughts, B.S. mind-trap games – but we pick ourselves up and keep moving forward – awaiting what the future brings and your next blog. Do your best and forget the rest. AMEN

    Reply
  • Jen

    February 16, 2013 at 11:00 am

    I have the taunting voices too. Most of the time, they’re the voices of those who have been most critical of me (my mom, my brother). I have learned that I cannot stop them, but I can reply back to them: “F*** you. I’m bad-ass!” That shocks them into silence for a while. In the end, it’s okay to talk to yourself, just make it a two-way conversation, and make your end (the positive, self-loving end) louder and stronger than the other. Eventually, you’ll just laugh when you hear those meanies in your head.

    Reply
  • Jerry

    April 30, 2013 at 1:49 pm

    wow…school kids are mean. I always felt bad that I had no friends and noone talked to me. Now I think might was a blessing the little monsters weren’t talking to me.

    I understand overcoming bad memories. But girl, you’re far from ugly. How you can look at yourself and think that…I dont see it. You really quite pretty. When those bad thoughts come, just think about all the good things. And keep yourself surrounded by positive people. Having positive in my life has made all the difference. And when I think on bad memories, I learning to change the channel. That’s what you gotta do, change the channel.

    Keep up the good.

    Reply

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