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Triathletes are Babies

If you are a triathlete, you are a grown-up baby. Yes, you are.  Yes. You. Are.  [I know you are but what am I?]
Seriously.  How many water bottles do you have?  More than a baby, I bet.  Your baby is jealous of all your bottles.


Granted, our chamois diapers are more for protection than… well, protection.  But seriously, we wear a diaper on our bicycles (which also carry bottles and tiny snacks, mind you).  We use cream on our sensitive little buns, lest we get a nasty case of chamois rash.  If our diaper doesn’t fit… well, we whine.

Temper Tantrums
Tell a triathlete that she is going to miss an important workout for a work Christmas party.  Or, tell him that the pool at the gym is closed for repairs (or closed because of lightning, my personal favorite). What about a flat tire or mechanical failure during an “A” race.  God forbid a DNF.  The ensuing temper tantrum can put a toddler to bloody shame.

Baby Talk
How many adults do you know who say “GU” on a regular basis

The Gear
Who has more gear than a baby?  That’s right… a triathlete. And some of it is quite comparable to baby gear. Velcro shoes, bells, flashing lights, music, sippy cups, bottles, Bloks, and  mats.

Triathletes are ninjas at stealthy food swiping, sneaking out of the office undetected in order to squeeze in a workout, and swifting erasing the evidence thereof.  How are babies ninjas?  Oh, they are. They are stealthy little evil minions, waiting until you just fall asleep… and then “wwwwwwaaaaaaa!” like a swift roundhouse kick to your soul.

Feed Me
Enough said. Tiny little snacks in convenient spill-proof containers. Soft, slurpable, drinkable, non-choking hazard foods in cool kid-friendly colors with funny names and shiny packaging. Electrolyte drinks. We train. We eat.  We become monsters when we are not fed properly and quickly.  Waaah.

Only this time, we can’t blame our parents for the crap they fed us.  And we willingly eat our greens.  Maybe. Sometimes.
Playing with Balls
What? Get your mind out of the gutter.

Release of Bodily Fluids in Inappropriate Places
Triathletes not only pee in “inappropriate” places like on a bike or while running, but they actually train themselves to pee on the move.  Likewise, my children trained themselves to poop only when I was trying to go somewhere important.  Sorry, but I have been told that a time will come in every athlete’s career –  the official pooing of the pants happens – or at the very least, a nice solid shart takes flight.  (Shart = a/k/a “foop” or “gambling and losing” or “gas followed by mass.”)

Good thing you were wearing your chamois.
If you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta go.  Time to throw a fit because someone moved my lunchbox.



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