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Why MODERATION is a Lie

Last year, I listened Rich Roll’s episode with Andrew Taylor.

This Andrew guy is interesting because he’s known as the “Potato Man.”

Basically, Taylor was 300 pounds and decided that he’d had enough… So he committed to eating NOTHING BUT POTATOES for a year.

“Okay, so that’s a little weird.” (Or is it revolutionary??)

I listened with fascination to the podcast.

And while I won’t be promoting Swim Bike Potatoes Only anytime soon, I was REALLY impressed by much of his line of thinking, especially with regard to addiction–food and any addiction.

I love Rich Roll’s podcast, in general. (For those of you who don’t know Rich Roll, you might as well. He’s a fascinating guy in his own right, but his big highlights are: being a raging lawyer alcoholic, going into recovery, then still not getting it “right” – so he turns to plant-based power and Ultra-racing. He eats no animal products (insane!!), and he runs for MILES and MILES (crazy! Oh my lawd!).

Roll is the epitome of the Experience Life Magazine / LifeTime Fitness’ tagline— being healthy is a revolutionary act.

That’s the world we live in, though. Where healthy is a revolution!

I mean a lot of us ARE very healthy in this triathlon and fitness world.

But in the “outside” world, sometimes being “healthy” is “weird.”  Truly a “revolutionary act”. Being a triathlete or a runner (God forbid an ultra-runner!)  is CRAZY… But being “fat sick and nearly dead” is fine?  (That quote taken from the documentary: “Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead.”)

So this Potato Man took his health into his own hands, because he was out of control with food. When he took out the options, he was able to get control.

Interesting…

For a long time, people have been shoving something down my face that has never worked for me.

Something in the horrific “dieting” industry that has been a massive source of my constant, life-long struggle with my weight.

And it’s this word: MODERATION

My dear sweet grandmother, rest her soul, used to say:

“Just give me a small piece of cake” at every birthday. I would look at her.

She would eat it. And that was that.

Me?

I was like, “Um. Give me a small cake.”

“A piece?”

“Um, no. The whole cake. A small CAKE, yes. But the WHOLE small CAKE, please.”

And on it went.

MY WHOLE LIFE.

Then in my twenties as I entered the world of full-throttle alcohol addiction, which followed up a childhood of food addiction and disordered eating and next, a very disordered teenage decade competing in a sport built around weight classes, and how to lose 10 pounds in days…

Well, I was a disaster just waiting to happen.

[Thank God I never tried cocaine. That’s all I will say about that.]

So listening to this podcast was fascinating in many areas.

Me, Rich Roll and Mr. Potato can all agree on one thing…

MODERATION, for some of us and for some things, is bullshit.

At least in the world of those with addictive personalities, addiction issues, binge anything and disordered anything.  If someone is not addicted to something, then maybe they can moderate it.

If you are addicted to that thing, you CANNOT moderate that thing.  

The very meaning of the word addict– hello, you can’t moderate.

[By the way, it’s easy to “moderate” things that we aren’t addicted to, or things that we don’t LOVE or LIKE.  That’s not moderation at all. That’s just whatever.

“Oh, I can moderate kale.”

“Yes, can’t we all.”]

So for someone who struggles their whole lives with particular foods, then develops an alcohol addiction, and who also smoked for ten years because her friend “thought it was fun” (ah-hem)….

Well,  you can’t tell “that person” with those  issues:
1) have a little cake,
2) have just one glass of wine; and
3) a social cigarette won’t  hurt you.

Because let me tell you what happens.
(Not that this EVER happened to me. Ever.)
BUT, hypothetically, this is what MIGHT (I would guess) COULD, possibly happen.
Maybe.

That person, who has been on their “good diet” for a period of forty pounds of weight loss, and has had a really good non-alcohol streak will show up to dinner with you. Because you invited them, and they have to go. Even though they are SCARED TO DEATH to eat out, because they have “been doing so good.”  The whole day, they will worry about what they can allow themselves to have at dinner… Without “blowing it”–even though one glass of wine or a little cheese wouldn’t do ANYTHING caloricly.

BUT. They know the dangers.

And here’s what could happen.

Again. TOTAL FICTIONAL account…. Ah-hem.

They will have a small taste of something that triggers them (cheese, maybe. Oh lord, cheese!)… Then pair that with wine… Then, why the hell not, something fried in cheese or cheese-BEER-battered and fried. Suddenly, the night becomes way “fun”!

And, let’s just fast forward four hours later…

Dinner is LONG over, it’s approaching midnight, and this “fictional” person is at home. In stretchy pants. With a large Papa John’s pizza half eaten, a bottle of wine down, a new one uncorked, while digging her in-process-of-swelling hands into a bag of chips, and watching the effing “Notebook,” crying about why “no one will ever love” her like that.

Not that I know anything about that.  ANYWAY.

We have been lied to. Those of us with addictions have been lied to.

The cold and ugly truth is this.

Moderation cannot be MODERATED.  You cannot MODERATE addiction.

Why there are people on this planet who are “moderation pushers,” I will never know.  I mean, no one would ever say to you, “Just a little heroin is okay. Just have it once a week.”

NO!

Because that is INSANE.

But I think that people who are capable of moderation can’t conceive of those who “can’t”.  It has nothing to do with willpower. NOTHING. I have more willpower than a million elephants against certain things; and against cheese? No. None.

I can’t MODERATE cheese or wine. Therefore, Italy is like an entire country for me to abstain from. #SoSad

Something that I have uncovered over the years is two-fold:

1) People are addicted to X,  or they are not

AND

2) Addictions cannot be moderated.

“Everything in moderation” is a LIE that I have been told my whole life.

I want to talk about the ACT of MODERATION. 

Moderation comes down to the person’s individual sensitivities, and addictions and problems.

People who have addictions, cannot moderate THOSE behaviors, items, foods or drinks that they are addicted to.

Those foods/drinks/behaviors are OFF THE TABLE to that person. Those things cannot be moderated. That person cannot have a taste, smudge, a sip, a puff, or it’s a free fall, free-for-all disaster.

Items. Off. The. Table. [And yes, like, forever.]

Is this depressing?

“What!? I can NEVER have a drink again?!?!”
[Oh you totally CAN.  But how’s THAT been working out for you this past ten years of blackouts?]

“Wait? What? I can NEVER have cheese again?!”
[Oh you totally CAN. But when it sends you into a fifteen-pound weight gaining binge frenzy that you can’t crawl out of… well, why? Why do it?]

Is it depressing to WALK AWAY from THOSE THINGS that actually physically, emotionally and psychologically harm us?

No, not if you look at the TRUTH. And once you see the TRUTH, and you CHOOSE to walk away?

Actually, it’s quite freeing.

That IS freedom.  (No one is saying it’s easy.  When in history has freedom come easy?)

But, if you can come to the place in your life where you can look at a plate of cheese, a bottle of wine, a pack of cigarettes, or whatever else – and say:

“I can’t have just one bit/sip/taste of _____”

or

“If I have one bite/sip/taste of ___, I am going to wake up 10 hours from now and not know how I got here”—then this is not a moderat-able (sp?) substance.

Once you KNOW that as truth, once you stop bargaining with yourself to be a moderator of un-moderatable behavior?

That is freedom.

If there is an addiction in your life–whatever if may be–this is something we need to push the EJECT button and get it the F out of our lives. Immediately.

EVERYTHING NOT IN MODERATION.  NO!

On the Podcast, Taylor said this, and it slapped me across the face:

“Moderation leads to mediocrity. If you want extreme results, you should do extreme things.”

Healthy IS a revolutionary act. WOW.

In this day and age when it’s “weird” to run ultra marathons, or eat a plant-based diet (I’ll give you that it’s become more common—-but depends on which circles you ‘run’ in, really)– but for the most part, quitting drinking (“it’s just a glass of wine!”) or quitting eating animals is considered extreme.

Moderators want Abstainers to Play with Them.  But We Just Can’t.

1) The moderators of the world want the abstainers to dabble in their addictive behaviors.

They don’t understand why we can’t have “a glass” of wine with them. They don’t mean it in a harmful way. They just want us to play with them.

But we can’t play with them in THAT sandbox.

Because they aren’t addicted.

If we are addicted, that means we can’t play in THAT part of the playground. And that’s that.

(We just need to go to another part of the playground with them, that’s all.)

So.

Let’s all of us with our assorted addictions (food, booze, whatever) stop whining about what we “can’t” have, and just accept it. Some things in life aren’t fair. It’s totally not far that Suzy can drink one glass of wine and handle a piece of Brie.

It’s NOT fair.

But I’m not Suzy, no matter how hard I try.

But that’s life. And you know what? I’m Meredith, and I have other great things to do and share.

And You are You, and the same goes for You too.

2) Next, unfortunately sometimes there are people out there who simply want to see us fail.

These folks “like” when we are helpless, hungover, fat, sugared, depressed, drunk and whatever—because when we have problems, people like to hold our hands and say, “Oh it’s okay.”  When what they are really thinking is, “It’s okay that you are like this, because you confirm that I am so much better than you.”

(Okay, maybe not everyone. But those TYPES of people? They exist. And they like that you are “failing.”  Yes.)

But the truth is:  abstainers MUST abstain.  Addicts cannot dabble.

I find power in the statement: Moderation leads to mediocrity.

Do I think it’s an ultimate world truth?

Nope. I see people who can have cake, one glass of wine and socially smoke ALL the time. They are fine. They are not mediocre.

But they are made of different wires and threads than I am.

For me, “moderation leads to mediocrity” in the way of my addictions is an ultimate, fundamental belief and truth about me.

And admitting THAT was the first step in me taking charge of my own recovery. Knowing what my addictions ARE (alcohol, trigger foods, cigarettes) has allowed me to know that those things don’t get to hang out with me.

Alcohol is an absolute for me.  Never, ever can I drink again. I know, with every fiber of my being, that I cannot have “just” one drink. I haven’t done it for 37 years — so I know it’s off the table.

Food? Well, that’s tricky because we have to eat to live. But like the Potato guy, I agree on this:  when you know what you will and won’t eat, it takes the glorification of some foods away. You aren’t left yearning for the chocolate cake. You just don’t eat cake. It’s not a big thing – it’s just something you don’t do. And if you DO it, you don’t dive into the whole cake.

And if you DO dive into the cake, you know why. You tried to moderate something you can’t moderate.

Pure and simple.

Here’s what I suggest, since I have lived it.

Think of the things that are issues for you, and outline the things that you KNOW are addictions.  Decide to cut them out. It doesn’t have to be major, but what one or two things cause “destruction” for you?  Think on it, and then think about this…

  • What if those two things just didn’t exist?
  • Or what if you never had tasted/tried/known about _____?
  • Would your life be better? If you had never even known about ____?

That’s a great starting point. Scary as hell. But it’s a start, and this was the first place I came when I met myself at the alter of truth last year. Face down after a night of drinking, mind you.

But the alter of truth, comes in all types of colors, shapes, sizes and states. Especially the color of clarity.

  • WE are not bad.
  • WE are not broken.
  • WE may just have some things that don’t SERVE us.

And taking the road to figuring out what those things are, and working on exorcising them…

I promise you, from one addict (of many things) to the next, it’s the road to freedom. It’s a road. It’s a long and hard one, but look at the road. See where you want to go. Embrace it, and keep taking steps down it.

It’s worth every tear, every heartache along the way.

I promise you.

Love to you all,
Meredith

================================

For those of you who might be struggling with alcohol addiction (or the inability to moderate it, if that’s easier to see), then please reach out or get help, and ask for help.  The same goes for eating disorders and food addictions – although I do not have any tested resources that I am comfortable sharing at this juncture—so if some of you have any that you believe in, please post in the comments.

I’m also here if you want to chat or confess or just need someone to talk to.  And I really do mean that.

We also have a FREE secret Facebook group called Grateful Sobriety. Come Join Us. 

Resources:
http://www.drinkerscheckup.com/
http://www.aa.org/

Home


https://www.na.org/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/addiction
http://www.addictionsandrecovery.org/what-is-addiction.html
SMART and SMART Friends and Family

(*I am not a psychologist or health care provider, and am not pretending to be. Just sharing some links. Feel free to add your own that might be more helpful in the comments below.)

5 Comments

  • Eleanor

    December 2, 2017 at 9:24 am

    I get this. Moderation is a word that does not exist in my vocabulary at all. This sums it up. I do so much better with those un-moderatable things when I finally become willing to put them down (alcohol, chocolate, coffee, cigarettes)…getting to the point where I am willing to put them down is the painful thing…

    Reply
  • Pam Brown

    December 2, 2017 at 3:07 pm

    Regarding food addiction, I have become a fan of Bright Line Eating. Very clear parameters for people who rank high on the addiction scale.

    Reply
  • Laurie

    December 28, 2017 at 7:43 pm

    You hit the nail on the head. I have lots of food vices … give me potato chips, french fries and Cheez-Its all day long! But the ones I cannot have on hand are: 1) grocery store (or wedding) white cake with white frosting. If we get a sheetcake for our boys’ birthday parties, I insist on throwing away the leftovers (to my husband’s irritation) because I will skip the “piece” at the party but eat any and all of what remains. And 2) donuts of any variety. I don’t want ONE donut because it’s completely unsatisfying. But there is no quantity that IS satisfying. So I no longer eat white cake/frosting or donuts of any variety. And the struggle is gone. To me it doesn’t feel different than passing on cyanide. I’m essentially allergic to it, with no emotion.

    Reply
  • Jennifer

    January 15, 2019 at 4:11 pm

    Meredith,
    I just found your blog today. Thank you so very, very much for writing this. My youngest and I have christened 2019 as The Year of Holiness and Health. I’ve given up everything I’m addicted to — primarily carbohydrate stuff but also meaningless interactions online that don’t lead to any place edifying (I’m looking at you Facebook) — and it’s a beast, but totally worth it for the increase in health and vitality. I can’t believe how many stupid doctors and nutritionists over the years sold me the moderation mantra. Gak.

    Peace and love to you and your family.

    Jennifer

    Reply

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