Nights like this, I remember with great clarity why I was a drinker.
I can’t sleep. I’m on a bad streak.
This isn’t anything new for me. It’s a recurring theme, and I would almost bet $100 if I texted my momma, she would be awake too. We are weird like that.
One of my favorite quotes is this:
So I am never sleeping… that’s a given.
But I often wonder… is it a dream-dream? Is something cutting me to the core? Or do I just need more magnesium and a darker room? (Even though I’ve been sleeping with an eye mask for a long while.)
Sometimes I think insomnia is a gift.
I mean, I can squeeze in an extra 24 hour day here and there when the insomnia is really full-throttle. I also enjoy the wee hours of the morning when it’s quiet, with my coffee, and my cortisol levels shooting through the roof.
We may all have the same 24 hours in our day… unless you’re an insomniac, and then you’ve hit the lottery.
But lawd, there are prices to pay for this increased productivity.
I am working on a new book and anytime there’s a book in my head, that becomes that DREAM thing, I think. The obsession. The words must get out of my head, and the words will not let me sleep.
At the same time, I am scared of the recent goal of being a pusher in the Marine Corps Marathon. I am scared that I will fail, that I won’t be good enough, that I will let down the cause, that I won’t do my best for Logan.
But when I break it down to the real issue, I have a real fear of being not enough. Being enough is one of our great human needs, right? We need to be enough.
Enough for whom, though?
Over the past, say, two years I have grown a pretty thick skin. Thick skin is a great tool in the toolbox, but it’s also some heavy shit to carry. Thick skin weighs a lot.
I have subconsciously and also purposefully put up a wall (that I am paying for, mind you) between myself and others.
In a few short years, I have learned some pretty awesome back-stabbing, ethics-violating, a-hole sides of people. But I guess it was bound to happen. Of course, I have been a solid jerk to my fair share of people, so maybe the cosmos is finally at peace with my karmic state.
As I started writing this post, though, I was jarred and jostled. Two things have had major impact of late, only because I have put my finger on them.
Deb Cheslow talked in our recent webinar about how perception is a MAJOR part of our entire well-being, progress, thoughts, goals etc. That controlling our perception of lives, our bodies, of the world, is a muscle that we must train.
We have to train something else? You betcha. #ItsAlwaysSomething
Tony Robbins is all about changing our “state” …how the simplest change in physical state (jumping around, laughing uncontrollable) will change our feelings, our emotions, our actions. He says, “The difference between peak performance and poor performance is not intelligence or ability; most often it’s the state that your mind and body is in.”
The way I have been perceiving recent events has caused me some grief. Some things have sucked, sure. But for every “bad” thing that has happened, probably 40 things have rolled to good. Sure, X was a total jerk to me and it caused me XXXX number of sleepless nights, but because of that, I have actually had greater opportunities and more doors swing wide open.
Perception: I am damn tired, yo.
Refocused Perception: Look at all the awesome stuff that is happening, that but for X, would not have happened.
Perception: This is a big zucchini.
Refocused Perception: This is a big zucchini that will feed our entire family for a month. Praise be.
Or something like that. Anyway, you get the picture.
I will be the first to admit that changing state is harder. State is a really tough muscle that likes to stay balled-up like a rotten IT band in the middle of IRONMAN training. One of the interesting things I have learned from Tony and Deb (yeah, I’m on a first name basis with both of ’em), is the fact that we can easily become addicted to our poor emotional states.
I may have dealt with my alcohol addiction — but it’s easy to be addicted to other emotional states: depression, drama, sadness, anger. Especially when giving up a main addiction like alcohol, sugar, the like.
Because while these emotional states are not “ideal”—I mean, who would want to say that it’s ideal to be worn out and depressed—sometimes these emotional states fulfill a need in our life. Whether it’s the need for attention, recognition, love, support or just for someone to say, “Hey you! You’re VALUABLE.”
State serves a real purpose. But we can shoot ourselves in the foot when we choose the wrong state. Especially when we choose the wrong state and we hang out there for long periods of time.
And yes, I can agree that state is not always a choice. Some things happen and we can’t possible choose to be happy, sane or okay.
But I think often in the day-to-day, how we perceive our lives and how we choose to spend our time (in what state), is something that we can work on.
So thank you all for letting me work through that in this blog.
I’m guess I am now off to do some kettle bell swings at 4am to change my state while simultaneously not waking up the entire house. (Another blog for another day: how to do KB swings quietly.)
Love to you all,
Learn more about Team Logan at Marine Corps Marathon.