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Starting & Pain. Health & Happy.

No one ever knew how hard it was to START.

I don’t know if I wrote about THAT as much as I talked about moving forward. I talked about a lot of things, but I look back on the beginning of the health and fitness journey – and I just remember PAIN.

I remember physical pain.

But I remember real, emotional and psychological pain.


So much self-hate, negative feelings and thoughts… And so much “I just can’t do this.”

But something in me wanted to DO IT—it?
Just anything. To just be something (anything) other than what I was right then.

It took me YEARS to improve as an athlete. YEARS. I still have so far to go, which is amazing to me. But that’s what it takes.

It took me even longer to reach a certain peace within myself, where I can look at me and say,
“I am OK. Wait, even better… I am GREAT. And I am awesome.”

[Okay, so awesome is still a hard one to swallow. But I try.]

When people say, “You look great,” I have to pause, count to five and say two words: “Thank you.”
And work VERY hard not to qualify it. To stop at just “thank you.”

All of this journey has been a long road towards health and self-care. Weight loss has not even begun to tell ANY part of the story.


I am STILL on this journey, people.

And because I am a “fat girl” (forever, I will ALWAYS be that in my head), I will always struggle. And I am not saying that it’s bad to be a fat girl. PLEASE know that I am body positive and don’t care what ANYONE does in their body. Be happy at whatever place, weight you are. For the love, if you can… do it. Be a fat girl if you want to be a fat girl, I could care less. I did not want to be a “fat girl” – inside OR out. I didn’t want to have negative “fat” thoughts – because for me, in MY head, fat thoughts were bad thoughts.

IF I could have been content at my size, trust me, I would have stayed there. It would have been much easier. Being content would have been a much less hard journey than what I did.

But I wasn’t happy in my skin. As hard as I tried.

And there is NO SHAME in saying, “I am trying so hard to love myself, but I want MORE.”

I tried to love myself. Lord, did I.


But in saying “I want more” – I declared that I wanted more with my health.

And that later turned into “I can love me, because I am CARING for ME.” Then I dealt with an addiction problem—head on.

I just wanted to be the best version of ME possible—and I still do. And at the end of the day, THAT VERSION has VERY little to do with my size.

And yet—it absolutely does.

Because for me, being the healthiest I can be means that I am giving myself the best chance in health, and in life. Weight was not the goal here—health was.

When health lead the journey, which started TWO YEARS AGO, when I started to change my focus from WEIGHT… from FAT GIRL… to just HEALTHY GIRL. At whatever weight that was.

And that is when I really changed.

I don’t even care what the scale says now. I care how I feel. What I think, and how my life is working.

Once that began to be the focus, the rest has blown wide open. I have ALWAYS been HARDWORKING.

But for the first time in my entire life, I believe that I can be:

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Wait. I actually AM:  HEALTHY and HAPPY.




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