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Balancing. Teetering. Falling.

People can be such shits.  I mean, really.  Have you taken a good look around social media lately?  Wow.

Dogging on people for the way they look.  Who they are voting for. What they ate. What they look like they ate. What they look like in a picture.  Whatever.  You name, and someone is spitting on it.

For the most part, I think that people are trying to do the best they can with what they have.

Then you have the people who spend their time telling you why you aren’t good enough.  And this comes in a ZILLION forms, mind you. Pick YOUR poison.  Man, and trying not to let that noise in… especially when it echoes the things YOU fear about yourself.  Dude.

Just doing the best you can, and getting pooped on for it… amazing.

I remember when our kids were very, very young and I was in the middle of a court case… and our whole family had been hit with a stomach virus–everyone throwing up… it was Armageddon by vomit. No one in our house was even moving in the morning when I peeled myself out of bed.  I had to be at a court hearing, two hours away.

I dressed.  I drove.

I pulled over, threw up… drove.

Arrived in court, did my thing, and went home.

The whole drive, I was thinking, “Dear God, just let me survive today.” Because I was just so stinking sick.

But I made it, and I was so proud.

No one knew that I was sick. I did my job and I went home. And then did that job–the home one–and life went on, and I barely remember it now.

As busy as life is now, and with all the jobs and schedules and things going on, I really feel that many days are like this.  I am just showing up where I can, maybe with a little puke on my pants, and putting my best ME forward.

And guess what?

Sometimes my best self just sucks. But it’s me–and it’s what I have, and I am effing proud of it.

I am.  I am proud of this year. And the choices I have made so far. This was going to be my “best year ever” and it’s so far, starting out with a lot of things that aren’t so super. And now an injury that’s going to extend longer than I thought. Still gonna be my best year ever.

You know why?

Because why not?  I am here.  I am present.  I am putting my best self forward–not every single second of every day, but as best as I know and can do right now.  And yep, sometimes my best self is sorta sloppy or weird, or off-kilter.  Maybe my best self is a little hot tempered today. Or maybe or maybe not I laid on the floor and cried a little last night while I was foam rolling. Or maybe my clothes are stinky because I forgot to wash them–or I didn’t really forget… more like, didn’t care to, and didn’t care about that either.  Or perhaps my ass is little fatter than last week, but thinner than last month, and way thinner than two years ago. Maybe my hair a little yellow instead of the fab blonde it was when it was originally done (I mean, really… why can’t we ever recreate that salon chair hair again.)

But you know what is the same about me?  The same as when I was 6 or 16 or 26?

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(Besides my sweet shoes and sweet bike? Remember when no one wore helmets and we played on metal play sets? Yeah.)

The way I feel. The way I get hurt, too. The way that I love viciously, feel the mean shit like anyone else, and just wish for a happy life, joy and peace, and with many times–not knowing exactly what or who it will take to make me have that… happy, joy and peace.

I’m still looking.

And I think most people want that—-happiness, joy and peace.  But how?

I have learned that to have even an inkling of those things, you have to let so much go.  Let some stuff run off, and for the love of god, don’t chase it.

Or let it go, and then realize, “sorry, I made a mistake,” and then maybe chase it back down, and figure out what to do after you catch it again.  (If it comes back...)

Or finally… let something go by just letting it sit.  Letting it be.  Letting it rot itself, but not take you down with it.

We’re all just trying to do the best we can, with what we have. We try and balance it all. And you know what I say about work-life-tri-family-self-balance?

Actually, I don’t think balance exists.

I think life is in a perpetual state of teetering… then you might be still for a minute, but then the teetering starts, and then eventually, you fall.

It’s just a matter of how you fall, how hard, and if you have the heart, guts, soul and attitude to stand right back up and start the teetering all over again.

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3 Comments

  • SoAnyway

    April 27, 2016 at 6:49 am

    Sometimes chasing down what you’ve let go is as simple as taking your eyes off the horizon and refocusing on what’s at hand. Or just reaching out to say ‘Hi.’

    Of course, letting those things sit and rot that really need to is a huge part of getting that balance. It’s the best way to avoid spending energy where it doesn’t help you.

    🙂

    Reply

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