I guess I could start with a simple list about hard things and what hurts… like a numbered and bulleted list, so that way, I could be very clear.
Mostly clear. But times like this, I think the list would be long and selfish and I would be judged (not that I give a damn anymore, but I guess I sort of do… at the same time).
So because I can’t move to Key West and drinking a Hemingway like Hemingway, I’ll simply start with #1.
I hurt. Just me. I. I hurt. Even sitting upright right now hurts. Not physical pain. But the kind of pain where I don’t know how I am out of the bed, doing homework with my kids or functioning as a human being. That kind of dark, crazy shit.
And that’s hard to write about. But it’s even harder to live through, so I might as well write about it.
Because in truth of Number One, I know other truths as well:
Pain isn’t forever. Time does heal. And all of those things that people say that might or might not be actually true.
A lot is spinning around me, but I think most of all, I can’t believe how much I really, really miss her. I mean, I knew I would. But knowing she’s gone–and no longer in the universe–like poof–gone. It’s almost unbearable. I didn’t know it would feel like this. I have a new sadness and broken heart for those suffering loss. I guess I had to join the ranks to truly understand, to truly develop that layer of character. Well, gaining character sucks. But I understand. <3
And a sweet little boy at the elementary school has an aggressive form of cancer. Freaking cancer. At age 7. I can’t handle it. What if that was my baby? What if…
Oh, and my leg hurts too. So there is a physical element of the pain, too, which I guess solidifies that I’m actually alive.
And that sort of sucks a few small bars in C minor. Not a whole symphony, like the rest of it.
And because I hurt like this right now, really, I am no longer afraid to eliminate the things that are adding to my pain–things and people that are hurting me.
The fighting battles in my head are so loud.
The “go get on the bike trainer” and “no, just eat the damn pizza” are so loud that I think I should just go sit on the bike trainer WITH the pizza and call everyone a winner.
The crossroads. That’s the issue. Am I here or there? Is is the other shoe dropping? Is it the Best Day Ever? Or Worst Pain Imaginable?
What is next? How do we know? What should I do next? Where should I go?
Right now, I seem angry and jaded and dark. But that’s what hurts. What, exactly?
Oh. Well, everything. Everything hurts right now.
I don’t know what will fix it. I am feeling that way. And I wanted to be clear.
And I’m sorry if that’s not cool.