When the Expert and I moved into what is essentially our dream house in the lovely town of Roswell, Georgia, I broke out in hives.
We had been through some serious drama regarding houses over the past year, and we were *finally* in a good place, a great school district, with lovely neighbors… and there I was, breaking out in hives.
The realization hit me: This is where I will be. I mean, really… be.. for the foreseeable future.
“Well, Meredith,” one might ask, “What in HELL is wrong with THAT? You have a wonderful family and home and you are breaking out in hives. What. A. Brat.”
Yes. I will be the first to admit that hives under these types of circumstances is very bratty.
I’ve been having lots of meltdowns lately, which hasn’t been helped by ROUND TWO of diverticulitis.
I seriously started hurting last Monday night, and finally, got some relief yesterday. That’s almost an entire week. Not fun. I haven’t worked out (because I could hardly move). Although the Expert dragged me to the Christmas tree farm on Friday, and I had fun, but I was wiped out afterwards.
So I woke up this morning (still haven’t worked out yet)… and the ever-growing to-do list starts unraveling, and I am thinking, “I have to X Y and Z” and I start to freak out (again).
This is all making for some serious boring reading. I know.
Headline: Swim Bike Mom Freaks Out (Yes. Yawn. Again.)
[But I can’t write about swimming, biking and running… when I am doing none of that. Well, I could do a nice informative post about Queen lube… I guess.]
So I realized today… that I spend so much of my life wanting to get better (at whatever), to be smarter (at whatever), to work harder (at whatever), to tackle all these huge lists of things… and I never even take a single second to just be ME. To just be ME. Where I am. With who I am. With what I know. With what I have done. With all the things I have written (and enjoy those things—and not think about all the things I should be writing or saying or doing).
I have been breaking out in hives about the wrong things.
Life and home and happiness—that should not break me out in hives. I don’t know how to be content, because I am always like a groundhog–sticking my head out of the dirt and searching around for what’s next… Oh wait… is that a Prairie Dog? Either way, I don’t think we should say Prarie Dog and diverticulitis in the same post… Moving on.
Anyway, always trying to be better and faster and smarter and and and and….
I am tired of running around.
But I don’t know how to stop being a Prairie Dog/Groundhog. I don’t know how to just say “F” it—I love my body just as it is! I love living in the suburbs! I am thrilled with prices at Publix! I really do want a minivan! Everything is Awesome!
Trust me… I know that I have everything in this entire world that I need… and even more than I want. I don’t need you to tell me that. I don’t need a scolding. I KNOW in my skull and brains and heart. I am grateful for what I have. I just want to stop looking for anything more… I just want to BE.
How can I slow… it… down?
How can the insanity of chasing everything… stop? That’s what I don’t know how to do. I am honestly, whole-heartedly clueless.
I am still running around and breaking out in hives… because I am me. Meredith. A wife and a mom who lives in the burbs. And who can’t process the reality that life is good… and it’s okay to admit that… maybe, just maybe… I have everything that I need, and that I am enough. Good enough and smart enough… enough.
…That if, after today, I got no smarter, no faster and no saner… that I would be okay. It would be just fine. I would be just fine… Just as I am.
I just don’t know how to unplug and admit that.