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On Forgiveness…

I’ve never been a very forgiving person.  (Wow, I’m really starting to sound like a real nice gal, aren’t I?)  Perhaps I should clarify a little.  I forgive others pretty easily.

But as for myself? I have a very, very hard time forgiving that woman.

Made it to the gym this morning for the first training day in a week.  I have a new coach (more to come on this… quite exciting for—not only me–but also the Army!) —– so this is the beginning of a new coach-athlete “relationship” and I basically said, “Eh, I need a week off.”

So already, new coach probably put a big scarlett “S” on his athlete book next to my name: “Slacker.”


Except I know that’s not true. New coach knows exactly who I am, because he’s been privy to this hot mess of a blog for a while.  So he gave me the time off and told me to get my act together and focus.

Today, it happened as it usually does.  I woke up out of the jumping-off-the-wagon-of-self-sabotage fog and I focused.  I was ready to tackle a solid run and strength session.

I started running, and everything on my body was jiggling a jiggle jig that hasn’t existed in a long while.  Then when I did some squats, my gut made me topple forward.  Dammit.

First thing in my head: I have taken so many steps backwards since Ironman.  And now, the question is:  can I forgive myself and move on?

Anyone who has gone through the Ironman process can relate. I know, because dozens of you have said so.  A big, nasty goal to achieve. A singular focus on the goal. Acheivement of the goal.  And then a weird release.

My release just involved a downward spiral into eating junk and drinking too much wine.  Don’t get me wrong —I have had a lot of fun over these few months. But, it’s getting silly now.

I had a solid almost 30 days with Whole30 in August/September, and I felt amazing.  So I am starting that again, and hoping to focus on excellent fueling, and learning to become a solid, faster runner with my new coach.


And I am working on forgiveness of me.  To forgive myself for things that I have done in the my past.  To forgive myself for my self-sabotaging ways.  To just breathe and be and release the gunk that is clogging up my head, my heart and my gut.

For each “bad” thing in each of us… there are probably twenty-five great things.  

So for the three main “bad things” I have going on right now:  food sabotage, messy house, and ridiculously short temper…  that means there are at least 75  great things.  Right?   I mean, it’s probably some proven theory out there somewhere…


I’m going to focus on that good  list for a bit.  I will do the best I can and forgive myself.

Who’s coming with me? (…Grab your goldfish, and let’s go!)



  • Courtney

    October 27, 2013 at 3:20 pm

    I’ll join you in self forgiveness. I’ve been a hot mess since my last tri back in September. I just got my pro pictures back from my half marathon last weekend and my self sabotage was, to say the least, noticeable in the thigh region.

    Time to keep moving forward, right =)

  • Ashley

    October 27, 2013 at 5:37 pm

    Totally agree with the post. I need to learn how to forgive myself, and well, others too (that makes me sound totally terrible, I know).

    Just a little bit of inspiration for you…I’ve been reading your blog now for a few months and I just raced a triathlon this past weekend, and your mantra of “just keep moving forward” really helped. So, thank you. I know I’ll need that for my half-ironman I’m racing in St. George. Wish you could race there, too! You’re such an inspiration to all of us moms out there. 🙂

  • Jen

    October 27, 2013 at 6:54 pm

    I’m right there with you. I did Texas about three weeks before you did CDA and I *JUST* came out of my post-IM slump. There were some good weeks over the past 5 months but overall I just couldn’t get it together. Almost 5 months after, to the day – BAM! I’m back. And you are too. Wheeeee!!!!!!

  • Kelly

    October 27, 2013 at 7:07 pm

    I have only done 1…yes 1…workout since Augusta!!! I already told the kids that tomorrow we WILL be headed to the gym.
    I cant wait to hear who the new coach is…is it The Expert? 🙂

  • Anna Stedman

    October 27, 2013 at 8:31 pm

    Focus on the good and not on the bad….Yes, this is good. Your post made me cry because I have those
    self sabotaging thoughts as well.
    Whatsoever things are just, lovely, pure, of good report, think on these things. SMILE. Anna

  • Cheryl Donnelly

    October 27, 2013 at 8:46 pm

    So needed this post today…..i read it on a day that was very hard so thank you for being so honest and inspiring. I have been spiraling out of control since my injury this summer when I was training with you. Injury has gotten me down but I need to also focus on the good thinks and not the bad…..

  • Susan Doherty

    October 27, 2013 at 8:48 pm

    I’m with you!! I haven’t done crap-o-la since my last tri at the end of September. I’ve done “minor” workouts, but nothing that made me say “Well that sucked and I feel good about it.” To add insult to injury…no, injury to insult…I took a spill and fractured my left ankle, and fell directly on top of my right knee cap. Torn MCL and maybe meniscus. I’ll find out results of MRI tomorrow. Maybe this was the universe’s way of saying, “slow your butt down”. Which I have, but am now feeling it. Pants feeling snug again and enjoying the Cardinal’s playoff and World Series bid with too much food and drink. HOWEVER, regardless of what the MRI shows, I will not let it beat me down. After what ever kind of recovery I will have to endure, I WILL BE BACK!! You Go Meredith!! Keep Moving Forward!!!

  • Mariah

    October 27, 2013 at 10:52 pm

    I TOTALLY feel you…after my marathon I crashed…nearly a year of anticipation and training and then it was OVER…and almost 2 years later I am still struggling to find the love again. And trying to get out of the negative loop that keeps playing in my head…but your blog/book/podcast with AMR has been unbelievably inspirational-so thank you! Your honest and humor has helped me to keep moving forward. Xoxo

  • Michele @ Micheleontherun

    October 28, 2013 at 6:52 am

    Since I “injured” my foot (I don’t know what happened, just that 3 doctors all have different thoughts on what is wrong and none of them have a clear answer how to fix it!) I have done 0 to help myself. While I know I can’t run or bike, I COULD swim. And certainly my mouth is not injured because it’s been eating everything in sight!!!! I need to stop being so down on my injury and realize that there are things I could be doing to help myself. I could be doing the strength training that I never seemed to have time for before. I could be eating healthy and getting my weight down. I could be finding ways to get some cardio in. *strapping on the boots and moving along with you!

  • Carie Arnett

    October 28, 2013 at 9:08 am

    Yeah it felt like I was writing the post with you. Quit that would ya, it’s freaking me out just a little. It’s like you gained access inside my head, and then without permission wrote what I’ve been feeling and going through, and have no clue why, gee that’s always fun! Thanks for some insight, and also thanks for nothing, haha!

  • Karen Cortner

    October 28, 2013 at 5:51 pm

    I am with you. I started my first whole30 about the time that you stopped. I had been following your posts, and decided I would try it. I finished my first, dropped into a pit of bad food for seven days, and started another. I am on day 15 (round 2). Thank you for sending my on this phase of my own personal journey. You see, I haven’t forgiven myself for not completing the same iron man. I never even made it to the starting line. Now I am recovering from shoulder surgery, and needing to forgive myself for some pretty complete failures in the last year. Stay strong!


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