I often wonder if it’s possible that I am cracking up. I think I feel better than I have in months. I am definitely not in a rut again.
But I still feel cuckoo and pressured, combined with random waves of feeling great. I am over this insanity. Is it possible that I am just the personality type to never quite “get it right”? Or does my ridiculous personality type allow for a slow, seeping in of a spirit of ingratitude and unfulfillment (which is horrifying and embarassing)?
I definitely feel out of focus. Or maybe I am simply incapable of focusing on more than one thing at any given time. The world of mutlitasking and constant electronic access is grinding me down. Or perhaps this is the first time I am actually in focus. And the state of focus itself is causing me to be off kilter. Not really sure.
What gives?
I am best: at the end of a workout, cuddling with the kids, arriving at work for the day, and then also leaving work, laying quiet in free time, or in those few seconds before I fall completely asleep. How can I maintain a state of this type of happiness with more consistency? Are these feelings all reward-center based, and I am actually the terrible two year old in this house, running around with all id and no sense?
So, if I am the real two year old in the this house, then I guess my problem is that I want it all. There. I’ve said it. I want, I want, I want all of it. All the time. And that is childish and not the way the cookie crumbles.
So what to do? Okay. The plan is as follows: gratitude.
I will be thankful for the workout, the cuddles, the job as a whole, instead of focusing just on the pleasure-center feelings derived from each activity or moment. My focus can shift to thankfulness for the entire sum of my life, with recognition that all the tiny parts and actions are powerful, loving, safe and humbling components of the sum.
Instead of focusing on individual feelings, events and moments, I can appreciate the entire experience of day-to-day as making up my happy whole being.
As such, I know that the spirit of gratitude will lead me well, as it always has.
One thing that usually snaps me back to reality is a gratitude list. Once I put pen to paper with a tangible list of all my blessings, I am usually shamed and humbled into snapping out of any stupid pity ditch in which I find myself wallowing.
So for today and for starters: I am thankful that I have all of my limbs. There. So simple, yet so meaningful.