My Dead Butt

Apparently, Dead Butt Syndrome is a real condition.

Please take a moment and reflect silently on my butt. Which is now dead.

My Dead Butt.

Compared to my Friday Fanny post from last year, I can concede. My above butt… does in fact… look dead when compared to my butt from last year…

My Butt, when Living.

Holy guacamole.

OMG. What happened? You ask. Your butt really did die, Swim Bike Mom!

Yes. Yes it’s true. So I just left Dr. Miracle Man Hand’s office. My last treatment before Augusta (4 days!)

Me: I am feeling much better, thanks. Knee is grinding, but I was able to run 3 miles this morning with minimal pain. Much better. But the only thing is – as I was running – I noticed that I having trouble firing my hamstrings. They aren’t moving. I’m dragging my right leg behind me, like “come ‘on leg. Giddy up” and I’m getting nothing.

Dr. MMH: No, it’s not your hamstrings.

Me: Oh, my glutes?

Dr. MMH: Right. Dead Butt Syndrome.

At this point, I lose it laughing. Dr. MMH has his shiny plastic-purple-magic-leg scraper out, and he’s working on my IT band. I’m wincing, and then I’m laughing, becaues he says, matter of factly, Dead. Butt. Syndrome.

My life could not get more real.

I start in on a series of poorly-timed “dead butt” jokes, which he laughs and acknowledges, but then he tells me about it. So DBS is essentially caused by sitting on your (not yet dead) butt for too long, which causes reduced bloodflow, which causes lack of use of the glutes, which means death of the butt.. which in turn, leads to issues with “firing” the glutes during a run.

My butt has given up working and died. Because I sit on it all day.

Ah-freaking-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

I’ve been sitting for 8+ hours a day at my desk since law school. It all became clear to me.

Oooops. My butt has been dead for 10 years in all reality. So the above pictures are actually bad illustrations. Actually, the “now” butt picture is wearing the same jeans as the “good” butt picture. Which means: I have lost some of my dead butt (apparently the good parts of the dead butt) which… losing butt is good, I guess… but more importantly, we must focus on my need for some new jeans.

So the bad news is that my butt is officially dead for Augusta.

I am fine with that. I have mourned my dead butt, and I am working to get through the race.

But stay tuned for afterwards. Can you imagine the butt awakening blogs that are in the future?

Whoa Nelly.

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